No more cat washing for chimps

We all knew that chimps were prone to tearing off a face from time to time, and that was no problem because they spend the rest of their time wearing diapers and funny hats, but now they’ve learned the human art of systematically murdering people who are different to steal their resources.

That’s right, chimps figured out war.

Over ten years of research, primatologist Dr. Mitani has observed that a group of chimpanzees in Uganda’s Kibale National Park have consciously waged war on other groups to expand their territory and gain access to more fruit trees. The New York Times wrote:

A band of males, up to 20 or so, will assemble in single file and move to the edge of their territory. They fall into unusual silence as they penetrate deep into the area controlled by the neighboring group. They tensely scan the treetops and startle at every noise. “It’s quite clear that they are looking for individuals of the other community,” Dr. Mitani says.

When the enemy is encountered, the patrol’s reaction depends on its assessment of the opposing force. If they seem to be outnumbered, members of the patrol will break file and bolt back to home territory. But if a single chimp has wandered into their path, they will attack. Enemy males will be held down, then bitten and battered to death. Females are usually let go, but their babies will be eaten.

Eating babies. Thats’s definitely some Sun Tzu shit right there.

Charlton Heston isn’t around anymore, so I guess we’ll have to look to Marky Mark for ape-fighting lessons.